Friday, July 27, 2007

Do not disturb: Work in progress!

Regular blogging had become alien to me, till my last post…not that, during the hiatus, I was too busy to jot something down, or that nothing provoked me to write…just that I knew if I did, I’d write something that I’d regret later…I’ve intended this space to be somewhere people would drop in to read something that would build them, and not sap their enthusiasm for the day! My laughter has been infectious…my zest for life isn’t any exception…hence, I presumed, my bitterness would be no different!

So, here I am, to start from where I stopped…to tell you the story of the phoenix!

It’s funny how you take time to look into yourself. The past few months have been tumultuous. They took me on a roller coaster, and by the time I touched the ground, I was too nauseated to pick the speck of dirt from my friend’s eye. Instead, I turned to myself, and chose to work on lifting that log from mine! After all, that was causing me more pain!

It’s humbling to count one’s blessings; it tells you how much you owe God. I recently discovered that it’s equally humbling to count one’s weaknesses. It shows you how tough the road ahead of you to reach your ultimate goal of Christ likeness is! The other day, one of my colleagues mentioned how one should focus on one’s strengths to reach where one wants to. I agree to that only partly. If the crap in you is getting in the way of your strengths, you better deal with that first! “I have purified you by giving you troubles” (Isaiah 48:10). God definitely knew what He was saying. It is in trouble that the garbage within you surfaces…it is in trouble that you get to see beyond the tip of that ice berg…It is in trouble that you have the good fortune to get it out of your system for good…it is in trouble that you are purified!

Looking back, I am grateful…

To God, for having his eyes constantly fixed on me…I can only imagine the joy of the goldsmith as he watches the gold clearing in the furnace to see his own image in it!

To all my dear friends who constantly reminded me that I have a happy head over smart shoulders…and that smile looks good on me! :-)

To my mentors who believed in me more than I did…

To my mother, who stood by me like a rock…you are a legend!

Each day, I realize, I need to change- for the good, and that isn’t impossible. The hurt that it brings isn’t inevitable, either. I’m learning to make the right choices everyday- to love, to forgive, to speak a word that would heal, and more importantly, to notice the sparkle in the other’s eyes, and not that speck of dirt!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

My pursuit of Happyness! :-)

Following is something I posted a while ago. I deleted it 5 minutes later, though! Posting it again, 'cos my life has gotten better and you'd like to know how...

I moved with my colleague into a 1 BHK (without having to pay a huge deposit)- a nice, cozy and airy we have a place to call OUR OWN!!

We have a 'furnished' kitchen...yeah, we cook now!

We have a maid who comes to do the dishes and clean the house...

No curfews...

Nice locality...

Good neighbours...

I learnt to ignore sickening self esteem isn't dependent on how well others behave!

And, we have a regular rik wallah who comes to drop us to office and back home...

We rediscovered the joy of living and not mere existence!

Yes, I'm a happy woman today! :-)

I made a choice- to DO something about my frustration, rather than immersing myself in self pity, and I discovered that that's the only way it works! :-)

My winged words a couple of months ago...

Garden City- IT capital of India, Bengalooru, (the erstwhile Bangalore) has been testing my patience for the past 10 months!

I stepped into this city, not by choice, but because my company posted me here. My application letter clearly stated “Preferred location: Mumbai/Pune”. Nevertheless, the business needed me in Bangalore and I couldn’t have overlooked that!

“When you are new to a place, you’d feel desparate…3 months down the line, you’d hit a wall, and you’d say, you wanna pack up and leave, for good! But, if you survive that, you’d never wanna leave the place!”, my friend shared his wisdom, when I was cribbing about how I badly wanted a transfer to Mumbai. Though it sounded like ‘easier said than done’, I saw a glimmer of hope in there…may be, after a few months, I’d start liking the city…those 3 months were gone, so were the rest of the months and days, till yesterday…and even as I stand on the threshold of completing a year in this place, I feel nauseated that I’m still here!

I jump into conclusions. But not this time!

I have reasons why I feel the way I do…

Bangalore is not the place for someone who is not self sufficient and own something called self respect!

If I had a house of my own, a chauffeured car, and two maids to do the chores and “I care a damn” attitude, Bangalore could have been heaven. Pollution and traffic are no longer things we should whine about. They are legitimate part and parcel of city life!

But I’m only an ordinary citizen of India, who has a decent job, thanks to the brand name of the institutions she studied in…forced to live as a Paying Guest as she can’t afford to pay the huge deposits the landlords ask for houses/flats…doesn’t have a choice to go back home (which happens to be God’s own country!) ‘cos it doesn’t have enough industries to fetch her an equally decent job…travels around the place at the mercy of rikshaw wallahs and friends with bikes…gets dagger looks from the land lady, when she gets ‘late’ (a very subjective term!)…

At least after 17 long years of hardship aka 'education' (excluding Kinder Garten!), which includes 3 years of restricted and 2 years of unrestricted hostel stays, to have a salary account which gets filled in decently every month, I wanna live my life! I wanna live a hassle- free life…standing tall on my own two feet…for once!!

The trigger to this blog and sudden download of frustration is the nightmare that was yesterday. I got out of office at around 6:45 pm, and since then have been stationed outside the gate, for the next harrowing 40 minutes of my life! Yes, I don’t have a vehicle- not even a 2 wheeler. I’m waiting for a rickshaw wallah who would condescend to take me home! I’d stretch out my hand at the sight of any yellow-black vehicle with the big glowin' nose that would be coming my way screeching. To the distasteful look on the driver’s face suggesting, “Kahaan jana hai?”, I’d most humbly respond, “JP Nagar, II phase”. And lo! He would just turn the other way, curling his lips in disgust…and his li’l dirty vehicle takes wings...poof! He’s gone! And, does this affect my life or 'perseverence'? Not at all! I’ve gotten used to feeling like a piece of……! I’d repeat the ‘exercise’ as the next rik comes!

And yesterday, the experience got on to a different level of intolerance! I would have been turned down by over 30 rikshaws before I finally got one! After a day’s hard work, when you finally manage to get off the office, you stand stranded on the road! Well, that’s not a happy feeling! What if a couple of men who doesn’t seem to be in their senses, hover around you, stripping you of the last shred of thread on your body, with their lustful eyes? I couldn't help thinking that I could consult one of them for my bra size when I went to buy one next! One managed to ‘brush’ past me and I felt his dirty breath down my neck...
I was startled…it is not disgust that I felt then…it was only helplessness- nothing less, nothing more! When people make you feel no better than a chunk of flesh…when you have crossed your saturation point of tolerance…when your self esteem gets trampled in front of your eyes…it’s nothing more than helplessness that you feel! My body felt numb, my heart boiled over…listening to my friend’s ‘spiritual’ solution to the problem only deepened the frustration…I came back home and broke down! So much for being a woman!

It was no longer about the city or the rickshaws…it was about this genus of sickening men you find in abundance in some parts of the country, in particular…I don’t care if I sound like a coward…but I want a transfer! I'm kicking my heels to get back to aamchi Mumbai- the city after my heart!